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A New Tell-All Book Details Trump-Paul Ryan Meeting

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WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ONE AND ALL, TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST STEPHEN
COLBERT.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT IS 32 DAYS IN, DAY 32 OF THE TRUMP SHUTDOWN. I’M GETTING PREPARED TO NEVER
HAVE A GOVERNMENT AGAIN. I’M PREPPING MYSELF FOR
ABSOLUTELY NO GOVERNMENT AT ALL. I’M LICKING RAW CHICKEN TO BUILD
UP AN IMMUNITY, AND I’M PRACTICING TO BE MY OWN T.S.A
>>Jon: OH, YEAH.>>Stephen: OH, YEAH. I’M PUTTING A LOT OF TIME INTO
THE PAT-DOWN. I’M HIDING SOMETHING SOMEWHERE. I’M GOING TO FIND IT. LOOKS LIKE WE MIGHT BE INCHING
CLOSER TO A COMPROMISE. THERE’S THE POSSIBILITY OF A
COMPROMISE, RIGHT– MAYBE. WHO KNOWS? BECAUS THIS THURSDAY, THE SENATE
WILL VOTE ON TWO BILLS THAT COULD END THE SHUTDOWN: ONE
BACKED BY PRESIDENT TRUMP THAT INCLUDES HIS BORDER WALL, AND
ONE BACKED BY DEMOCRATS THAT WOULD SIMPLY EXTEND FUNDING FOR
SHUTTERED AGENCIES THROUGH FEBRUARY 8. YES, JUST TIL EARLY FEBRUARY. ALTHOUGH, IF THE GROUNDHOG SEES
HIS SHADOW, WE GET SIX MORE WEEKS OF DEMOCRACY. SO, FINALLY–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>>Jon: I LIKE DEMOCRACY? SOME BAD NEWS FROM THE SUPREME
COURT TODAY. THEY REVIVED TRUMP’S BAN ON
TRANSGENDER MILITARY SERVICE. ( BOOING )
YEAH, YEAH, WHAT YOU SAID? BECAUSE, WHY ARE THEY BRINGING
IT BACK? THAT WAS, LIKE, 15 BIGOTED
POLICIES AGO! “WE’VE ALSO VOTED TO RE-EXPEL
THE IRISH AND KEEP ITALIANS AWAY FROM OUR LAKES AND RESERVOIRS. THEY’RE JUST GOING TO MAKE
MINESTRONE IN THERE. GUM UP THE PIPES WITH WHITE
BEANS.” NOW, THE TRANSGENDER BAN MIGHT
NOT BE BACK FOR GOOD, BECAUSE THE RULING WASN’T ABOUT THE
MERITS OF THE POLICY BUT JUST ALLOWS THE BAN TO GO FORWARD
WHILE THE LOWER COURTS WORK THROUGH IT. AND, NO SURPRISE, THE COURT
SPLIT ALONG POLITICAL LINES IN A FIVE TO FOUR VOTE. THIS WAS BRETT KAVANAUGH’S FIRST
PARTY-LINE VOTE. AS HE WROTE IN HIS EMPHATIC
CONCURRING OPINION, “I LIKE BEER!”
( LAUGHTER )
YEAH.( APPLAUSE )
“WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT AGAIN?”
THERE’S MORE NEWS TODAY FROM TRUMP LAWYER AND GUY REALIZING
RUDY GIULIANI IS HIS LAWYER, RUDY GIULIANI.( LAUGHTER )
GIULIANI STEPPED IN IT ON SUNDAY WHEN HE SEEMED TO CONFIRM THAT,
DESPITE REPEATED DENIALS, TRUMP WAS NEGOTIATING A BUILDING
PROJECT WITH THE KREMLIN DURING THE ENTIRE 2016 CAMPAIGN. WELL, LAST NIGHT, RUDY TRIED TO
CALL BACKSIES IN A “NEW YORKER” INTERVIEW. BUT IT GOT OFF TO A WEIRD START
WHEN RUDY TOLD THE REPORTER HE “HAD ONLY A MINUTE BEFORE
GETTING INTO THE SHOWER. ” OH, NO!( LAUGHTER )
THEY’VE MADE ME PICTURE RUDY IN THE SHOWER. OH, AND HE’S SOAPING UP. WOW, HE WAXES. GIULIANI CLAIMED THAT WHEN HE
SAID TRUMP WAS DIRECTLY INVOLVED WITH TRUMP TOWER MOSCOW
CONVERSATIONS, HE WASN’T BEING LITERAL. HE WAS “BEING A LAWYER.” “WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT WAS IF
HE HAD THOSE CONVERSATIONS, THEY WOULD NOT BE CRIMINAL. HE DIDN’T HAVE THE
CONVERSATIONS. LAWYERS ARGUE IN THE
ALTERNATIVE.” OH, SO GIULIANI’S NOT A BAD
LAWYER. HE’S ALTERNATIVE TO GOOD. LAWYER.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
BIG DIFFERENCE. THE REPORTER ALSO ASKED ABOUT
THE BUZZFEED ARTICLE THAT CLAIMED TRUMP TOLD COHEN TO LIE
TO CONGRESS. GIULIANI EXPLAINED HE KNEW THE
STORY WAS FALSE AND THEN ACCIDENTALLY DUG HIMSELF A
DEEPER HOLE. “I HAVE BEEN THROUGH ALL THE
TAPES. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH ALL THE
TEXTS. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH ALL THE
E-MAILS…” “WAIT, WHAT TAPES HAVE YOU GONE
THROUGH?” “I SHOULDN’T HAVE SAID ‘TAPES.'”
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
NO, YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE SAID TAPES. YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE SAID
ANYTHING– ESPECIALLY THE PART ABOUT GETTING IN THE SHOWER. PLEASE TELL ME THERE ARE NO
TAPES OF THE SHOWER. AND THIS RAMBLING MESS OF AN
INTERVIEW INCLUDED MULTIPLE STRIKING CONTRADICTIONS, LIKE,
“I HAVE BEEN THROUGH ALL THE TAPES… I SHOULDN’T HAVE SAID ‘TAPES.’
“THE PRESIDENT HAD NO CONVERSATIONS. I SHOULDN’T SAY HE HAD NO
CONVERSATIONS. HE HAD A FEW CONVERSATIONS.” AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE,
“I HAVE A SENSE OF ETHICS THAT IS AS HIGH AS ANYBODY YOU CAN
IMAGINE.” AND, ALSO, “I AM NOT AN
ETHICIST.”( LAUGHTER )
“I AM EVERYTHING, I AM NOTHING. I AM OLD, I AM YOUNG. I AM EVER-ENDING, JUST BEGUN. BEHOLD, I AM RUDY, DESTROYER OF
CLIENTS.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
OPPENHEIMER QUOTED THAT. AND THEN THE REPORTER ASKED
GIULIANI IF HE WAS CONCERNED IF HIS DEFENSE OF TRUMP WOULD
IMPACT GIULIANI’S LEGACY. HE REPLIED, “ABSOLUTELY. I AM AFRAID IT WILL BE ON MY
GRAVESTONE: ‘RUDY GIULIANI: HE LIED FOR TRUMP.'”
RUDY DOESN’T REALLY CARE ABOUT HIS LEGACY, EVIDENTLY, ADDING:
YOU KNOW THINGS ARE GOING GREAT WHEN YOUR LAWYER IS ALREADY
PREPPING HIS ARGUMENT TO STAY OUT OF HELL.( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
BUT– LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN–
HOLD ON. BUT IT’S NOT JUST PEOPLE
CURRENTLY WORKING FOR TRUMP WHO ARE EMBARRASSING HIM. THERE’S A NEW BOOK OUT BY FORMER
TRUMP COMMUNICATIONS AIDE AND CREST WHITE STRIPS CAUTIONARY
TALE, CLIFF SIMS. SIMS IS GOING TO BE OUR GUEST
NEXT WEEK. WHAT DAY? SOME DAY NEXT WEEK HE WILL BE
HERE. I’LL ASK SOMEBODY WHO WORKS
HERE. SIMS’ TELL-ALL IS CALLED
“TEAM OF VIPERS.” SO IF YOU’RE WRITING YOUR TRUMP
TELL-ALL, THAT NAME IS NOW TAKEN. YOU’LL HAVE TO GO WITH “HIVE OF
VERMIN,” “SACK OF WEASELS,” OR “SUBWAY CAR OF BUSINESS CHIMPS
HURLING FECES AT EACH OTHER.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
HIS BOOK–
( APPLAUSE )
HURLING FEES EASE.>>Jon: THEY’RE THROWING IT
OUT THERE. BE CAREFUL.>>Stephen: THE BOOK IS FULL OF
JUICY DETAILS, INCLUDING THAT SIMS REGULARLY MET TRUMP AT THE
PRIVATE ELEVATOR OF THE RESIDENCE AND ACCOMPANIED
HIM TO VIDEOTAPINGS, CARRYING A CAN OF TRESEMME TRES TWO HAIR
SPRAY, EXTRA HOLD, FOR THE BOSS. SO NOW WE KNOW WHERE TRUMP GETS
MOST OF HIS IDEAS FROM: FUMES. “CLIFF, JUST SPRAY THE REST IN
THE BAG AND LEAVE ME ALONE.” IT ALSO SHED LIGHT ON TRUMP’S
RELATIONSHIP WITH PAUL RYAN. FOR EXAMPLE, ONE TIME WHEN RYAN
WAS IN THE OVAL OFFICE EXPLAINING THE INS AND OUTS OF
THE REPUBLICAN HEALTHCARE BILL TO THE PRESIDENT, AS RYAN DRONED
ON FOR 15 MINUTES, TRUMP SIPPED ON A GLASS OF DIET COKE, PEERED
OUT AT THE ROSE GARDEN, STARED AIMLESSLY AT THE WALLS AND,
FINALLY, WALKED OUT. RYAN KEPT TALKING AS THE
PRESIDENT WANDERED DOWN THE HALL TO HIS PRIVATE DINING ROOM,
WHERE HE FLICKED ON HIS GIANT FLAT-SCREEN TV. “KEEP GOING, PAUL. KEEP GOING. NO, NO, NO, KEEPING TALKING. I’M LISTENING. I’M LISTENING. ♪ OOOOOOOOOOOH WHO LIVES IN A
PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA? SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!”
( APPLAUSE )

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